To the one i wanted
Remember the first time we met.? I am sure you don’t because you hadn’t noticed me the way I had noticed you. I am sure you don’t even remember the place or the day or the time because unlike me, you didn’t like me from the word go. But I wanted. I wanted to tell you that your sight made my heart skip a beat and that I was a bit nervous when talking to you because to me you had an effect no one had ever had. I wanted to tell you that I had so many of your photos and every night before I slept I would look at them. I wanted to tell you that I thought of you more than I shouldn’t. But I was afraid you never felt that way. So I kept quiet.
Remember the second time we met? You were dressed in a black and white fitting outfit. I wanted to tell you that I loved your cologne and your clothes looked so good on you. I wanted to tell you that I wanted to be your friend. That i wanted to feel you close. I wanted to tell you that your smile made you so cute like an angel and you should keep smiling because it literally brightened so many souls including mine. But I was afraid.
Remember the third time we met? This time at least you did not shake my hand hurriedly like usual; at least you hugged and talked to me. You even asked how i was. I am sure you did that to make feel at ease around you. But I wanted to tell you that that hug was the best I had ever received in my entire life. I wanted to tell you that your embrace made me get feelings that I shouldn’t at all. You stared at me, I wanted to tell you that your eyes made me burn with the desire that I never knew existed and I wished the floor could swallow me. As I walked beside you and your friends I wanted to tell you that it literally felt like it was us, only the two of us. I wanted to tell you that as women turned and looked at you I felt so lucky to be the one beside you and that I wanted you to be forever mine. But i got got over excited and kept quiet.
Remember the first time we sat together.? I wanted to tell you if I had high blood pressure you would have to take me to hospital. I wanted to tell you that the car was full, but it felt like just the two of us going somewhere, for our honey moon. I wanted to tell you that I would give God anything for us to be like that together. I wanted to hold your hands and lie on your chest, things I had never done before. I wanted you to hold my hair and tell me you felt the same way too. But I instead asked basic questions like what course you were taking.
Remember when you commented on my white trouser and smiled? I wanted to tell you that blue was my favorite colour but since then I would forever love white because it was the first thing you ever commented about me. I wanted to tell you that black looked so well on you, I wanted to tell you that your comment meant so much to me. But I instead smiled and didn’t know what to say.
You remember that night I called? I am sure you don’t. But i wanted to tell you that i thought I meant for you. I wanted to tell you that I had been sure I didn’t want relationships until a certain age before I met you, but now I was sure I wanted to commit myself to you. I wanted to tell you since that time I saw you, I would get approached by richer, taller and more bearded but all I could think was you and I would push them away just to wait for you. But I instead asked casually how you are and wished you goodnight and hurriedly hanged up.
And then I saw you so many times. One you sat next to me, another one you caught me staring. Another you simply said hi. I wanted to say I am sorry I looked like a total creep. But I would instead smile, and hope that you would be able to see what was written all over my face.
Remember the night you texted me after the call? You told me that I would be fine, that someday everything will be fine. But I wanted you to tell me that you cared for me too. I wanted you to tell me that you felt the same way I did and that you understood that I meant the opposite when said I wanted to forget you out of the blues. But you didn’t. You instead told me that God loved me. And sometimes you didn’t reply to my messages yet I would spend hours waiting for your reply or call. You instead opted to let me hurt… And it worked magic.
Remember when we became friends? I so much wanted to tell you off because i feared being close to you was going to hurt me. But i didn’t. I instead met you every time an opportunity arose and i didn’t understand why i was doing it. But deep down i was hurting because to me you were that person who hurt me, that person who never understood what i was trying to say, that person who never replied to my messages so many times and i would cry. My friends said you were my first love, but how could they know you were my first heartbreak as well. ?How could they yet you don’t know it as well?
And you see yesterday when i texted? I wanted to call you instead and tell you you that I miss you so much. I don’t like using those words but I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you that I have prayed for a miracle to happen i forget you but I didn’t. I wanted to tell you in my fantasies I have met you so many times. I wanted to tell you that I see you every time I go to the mall, every time I walk on the streets, that I dream of us every time that I see a lovely couple.
I wanted to tell you that I am tired of lying to myself that all you are to me is a friend, because I know a friend is not supposed to feel this way. I wanted to tell you… I wanted to tell you that you are all I would ever want to be with in this life . I wanted to tell you that I wanted you to be my first.
But I got afraid. I got afraid of embarrassing myself in case you didn’t feel this way. I got afraid you might politely reject me and kill my self esteem forever yet most of the times you are my source of inspiration to write. So I opted to write it here. I hope someday i I will be courageous enough to let you go ad a friend, to understand that’s it’s better when we are not close because as much as you blame me of being pessimistic i have to because i am the only one who knows how badly your silence hurt back then and i am afraid of dealing with that again. I hope one day i will set you free and understand that i don’t have to wait for love that i am not sure of yet those who deeply love me are right here putting so much effort to help me see it.
I hope one day i will be courageous enough to tell you all this. And then be left to nurse my broken dreams. I will have defied norms so i will never want to hear hear your response or from you again. I still don’t know how life will be afterwards, Perharps i will be relieved to have said what i always wanted to, but maybe, maybe, i will be too broken by my honesty and your silence to wish i kept it to myself.
But even if i never get courage to say a word and you too never do i hope one day i will be strong enough not to be afraid. I hope at the end to call someday in a cold afternoon when you don’t expect my call and say ‘Hello, i know it’s too late for me to, you probably met somebody who was not afraid to express themselves, but i thought you should know… That I still don’t know what love is all about so i still don’t know what love is supposed to feel like, but all this while i wanted… I wanted to tell you that i wear red and white then sit somewhere and reflect about you… I wanted to tell you that i miss you… I wanted to say that… eer…I love you…’