A Broken soul

Yesterday when travelling i sat next to a girl. She was beautiful. Really beautiful. She had her make up perfectly done, and she made me feel i needed to be serious with life and own at least a lipstick. She also had this type of aura that you associate with the classy and the trendy. A perfume so strongly scented and long manicured nails. I have never taken interest in physical details like nails really, my salonist complains a lot because i hardly. I guess it’s something you get when something happens as a child that affects your life in a big way, something that you can’t hide with layers of make up, you simply stop caring about stuff that matter to most people.

But i noticed hers. And for once i got why my mother insists on doing nails and hair more often. She looked elegant. She perfectly suited any man who would value class, she was that type of a woman who when somebody marries and takes to the village the village praises the man for his fine taste of women. The type of woman who sets standards of physical beauty in the entire neighborhood and makes her man wants to show her off wherever he goes.

I said hi. She smiled and said a big hello before she went back to her phone. I always greet anyone who sits next to me, it’s a habit i formed in primary. And i try to know someone if it’s a long distance journey. But i wasn’t sure i was going to talk to her. She looked like those type of women who you better leave alone before she uses the name bitch while addressing you. So i put my earphones and i started listening to Radio’s you are sweeter than Kuku. I am still not over his death, i feel like i lost someone i knew yet i had never met him. There is something about childhood love that you cannot just get over. Of course watching his videos make me sad. May his soul rest in peace.
I switched off my phone altogether. And i started reflecting about life. I had so much in life going on at the same time and i wasn’t sure who to talk to. And i lost my confidant some weeks ago, we no longer talk much because he strongly believes that the man i like (note for the first time i didn’t call him crush it feels wrong but i don’t have a name for him yet😂)  is a ladies man so i am in for a heartbreak. Of course i miss my friend, he was always there when i needed somebody to talk to and he has the best advises and so lately i have been keeping things to myself and that’s just not me. It weighs me down sometimes. But i can’t call him because he will give me conditions not to see the man i like again. Something that is hard to do. The last time we talked he told me ‘Star i wsnt you to give your children success stories of how you found love, not stories of how you made wrong choices and got heartbroken’
I noted i wasn’t the only one restless the pretty girl was too. She kept on checking her phone as if she was expecting a call from hell. She was teary, and you know teary eyes with make-up.?  I knew she needed a friend but i decided to keep silent. After an hour or so she got a handkerchief and wiped tears. I thought i cry much. But no…
I stretched my hand and asked her whether she needed a hug. She didn’t respond she just hugged me. Closely as if she wanted me to protect her. I wanted to tell her that whatever she was going through was going through was going to be fine, but i kept quiet, sometimes when people are broken you don’t need to tell them, you just need to be there and listen when they talk.
After sometime she looked at me and told me, ‘i know i don’t know you, but can you be a friend for today’. I nodded
 ‘My name is Tasha. (Not her real name) Have you ever felt broken so much by love such that you feel worthless ?.
I didn’t know what to tell her. ‘Well, if crushing on someone for a whole year can add to brokenness, then i have. ‘She laughed and said ‘no I mean love. Deep love. ‘I said no. She looked at me with that face mixed with pity and shock and told me ‘Then you are the luckiest woman on planet earth’ i didn’t know whether that was a compliment or not. A lot of times women tell me that i have missed a lot. Not to love and be loved back. Not to be heartbroken and grow strong a little bit. Whenever i cry because my cat died on 13th February 2014 and i have not been able to love or own another cat some of my friends tell me it’s because i have not loved.  But she thought i was lucky. How interesting this world is.
Then her phone rang.  She looked at it with dismay in her face. ‘That’s my boyfriend’ Now when people say of boyfriends they say it with pride, but she said it as if she was embarrassed saying with it. ‘Then pick it’. ‘No i am not going to’ . I wanted to ask why, but i knew it was not for a good reason.
Then she asked me.  ‘What are your plans for valentines ?’  I wanted to lie to her and tell her i had none but i felt she deserved my honesty. Everybody does. I told her i was to go for a trip with my friends but then we were to have exams this week. The exams got postponed and i just found out today that my brother is wedding on Valentine .
‘Do you have a date? ‘ I laughed and told her. ‘I have not really agreed to meet anyone specific after the weddinh , but i might meet the man i like if he will be available. Alternatively i can go to after wedding dinner and there will be several options to talk to 😂’  She laughed and told me. ‘I don’t like that part you said if he will be available. You are too pretty for that nonsense. If he is not sure of small things like that think twice😂Don’t rush to get a boyfriend yet, you are a beautiful girl you should enjoy several options before you settle.’
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to laugh at how she judged him from a statement but i kept quiet when i realised she was not joking.
Then she said. ‘I am going to Mombasa. I am going  to give life a chance. I wanted to ask what she meant by give life a chance.
Then she said ‘I only have one advise for you. When choosing a man to settle with choose a man who loves you as opposed to the one you love. We women are emotional beings and how a man treats you is way better than how he is appealing to your eyes. When i was your age (i wonder how old i look like) i loved a man. I was Lucky he loved or rather said he loved me too. Things moved too fast and i don’t know how i ended up moving in his house in Kisumu. I wanted it to work so much such that i forgot who i was. I should have noted the small things he never did, like never calling me or texting me unless i did. He didn’t do an effort to be with me, he knew he had me, so why struggle ? But i am a woman, i wanted to feel wanted, i wanted to feel cared for, i wanted someone to show that they care. But he never did. Still, i found excuses for him, i was in denial, i felt he loved me and maybe his way of showing love was different. But i got broken, mind and soul. With time i didn’t know who i was anymore. I started doubting who i was, and feeling i wasn’t good enough. And the more i tried the more i became broken, i forgot my worth as a person. I let him break me, i should have followed my instincts and walked away when we started dating and i felt he wasn’t committed as i was, but i gave myself fake hope.’
And today after two years i am walking away. On 14th I am going to be with a man who wants me and shows he does. I don’t know what took me so long, yet i had so many in my waiting list, but there is something that someone treating you as if you don’t matter does, it makes you glued, it makes you want to prove yourself every day, it makes you want to be good enough. But once they get you to that point that they know you can do anything for them they start manipulating you to stay. I am walking away as a broken soul.
But you my dear, you are still are young. Choose happiness over anything. Be with the man who calls you to see how you are, be with the man who is interested in you, your dreams, your fears, your relationship with God. Be with the man who caters for your emotional side and not the one who caters for your physical qualifications. Because once the excitement of how he looks fades away, you will be left to deal with the man he is, and how he handles you can make you or build your soul forever.
She then looked at me with those big eyes and said ‘ you look like the innocent type, the one who keeps themselves to marriage, i can tell that because i used to be like you, someday i know i will see your wedding show,  that was my dream.., but before then please never forget that as a woman you are an emotional being and any man who doesn’t make you feel loved doesn’t deserve you. You can tell always follow your instincts, because they are right’
Then she hugged me again and cried. And amidst her sobs i thought of how many souls were like hers, souls broken by those they claim to love, souls battered by people playing games and breaking them into pieces. I thought of how many people are going to spend their valentine with people they didn’t like because they were too broken to be alone, and Valentine for the first time became less important to me, and how many people like Tasha get stuck in loveless relationships because they are comforting themselves the person will change.
Her tears  broke me down. I pray she finds love. And even as i plan and reflect on valentine tomorrow and love in general her her last words are still haunting me. ‘Always, always remember to walk away when not appreciated before you become a broken soul like me’

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Celestine mwango says:

    I love reading your articles and have always had pleasure getting access to them tuko pamoja…one of your fans…Brighstar God bless you too…


  2. Vivian Bosibori says:

    My sister never disappoints its valentine’s yet I was quite bored staring at the walls and iron sheets here but after reading this I feel motivated to embrace the virtue called patience.
    Happy Valentine’s.

    Liked by 1 person

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