So two days before Valentine’s I received the most memorable letter. I mean memorable. As the most memorable I have ever read. (Gentlemen, If you have ever send me a letter I didn’t mean it was a bad one, just that this was different. )
It was from a boy. I will name him Sean. As a matter of fact girls claim that all Seans are cute . He is 17 years old, a final year student in a private high school in Nairobi. I met Sean one of those days. I was from switch T. V Tired as hell (working for a dream is is hard) but nevertheless grateful for a good day.
A vehicle stopped next to me and asked if I wanted a ride. ‘ You are too pretty to be walking. ‘ The person driving said. I needed the ride for sure, but I was not just about to hop in a vehicle I didn’t know. I said I was okay. But the vehicle didn’t leave before the young boy who was being driven, I assumed, gave me a card. Call me. He said.
Now I did call. If someone gives me a business card. I will call. Just the initiative to print the business card before you are thirty is something interesting. There was something interesting about the boy, something that made me want to know more about him. Curiosity. Maybe. Maybe it was his courage. Or maybe it was his deep voice that was hard to believe came from a boy who could not drive himself but was being driven around. Whatever it was.
Turns out Sean is the only son of his parents. His mum and his dad are separated. We had few conversations, he was surprised I was graduating from the university. He thought I was a high schooler – Like him. I guess. We will be friends we said. Friends until he finished his high school education and then we could see what the two of us could be. Not my suggestion. Mine was for him to concentrate in school first.
I found the boy endearing. And there is something about confidence that attracts me more than anything. I like men who are not afraid to express themselves. As a girl who has been ambitious since she was seven , I have been known to intimidate a few when I interact with them. So it becomes quite something to me when someone expresses themselves confidently.
I took him as my mentee . Or so I thought. And then a letter got delivered. By none other than him and the person who drives him around.
‘Your voice, I would love to hear how it will sound in my ears because it is melody to my soul..Your body, is the right size for me, I can carry you how I want and rock you side to side…
You are tiny but with very beautiful curves. I want you all by myself…
How about we sleep together this Valentine’s. I want to feel your breathing hard next to me. I am tired of being the only virgin in my class, I have identified you, I want to lose my virginity to you. We can make a good match. Just tell me where to find you on Valentine’s night. Bills on me..‘
Huh! My jaws dropped. I won’t go on to expose more details of the letter, I am not that type I swear. But I called him and told him Valentine’s was too soon. Whether we could take this slow. (I have learnt with innocent people, you have to be careful how you respond on sensitive matters, lest you break their self esteem forever. Luckily he was understanding. So I asked him if I could reply to him with a letter in my blog. And He said it was fine.
After that call I was Speechless. One he is seventeen. Two he is more thoughtful when passing such message than majority of the men I know . They don’t make the letter writing breed anymore I swear. Three my grandma has severally expressed concerns that I should not date a younger boy. Four…. The list is endless. No wonder It has taken me a month to write back.
Dear 17 year old Virgin
It is okay to be a virgin. If I had a son, you would be his role model. Because honestly, not so boys wait until they are even 13. Most lost it in primary. It is okay to plan who you want to lose it to, I have always done that in my mind for like two years now. It is okay as well, to want to feel how it feels to be wanted between the sheets . I understand the pressure. But I want to tell you, you are in competition with no one. Take your time love. You can only have one first time. Please get it right.
I have so many words for you. But I will summarise.
I get asked this question a lot of time, especially in high schools after I give talks. Young girls and sometimes boys come to me and ask me. ‘When did you lose your virginity? When is the right time to do it for the first time? I give them my honest truth but now today I will just do so through written words.
I may not be the best to advise when is the right to let go of your virginity, after all I am still a subscriber of the old school of thought that people should wait until marriage. I believe sex is sacred and ordained by God. And should only be done in the matrimonial bed. What do you expect from a Christian girl who has been planning of her wedding since 8 years? But if you feel you cannot wait then there are few things you need to know.
1.t is not just identifying someone to give
It is more than just looking at someone of the opposite sex and wanting to sleep with them for the sake of giving it away. How about you. When are you ready? Psychologically. ? spiritually? Emotionally? It is an act that you need to be ready for especially your very first time.
2.Don’t give in to pressure
I first hugged a boy towards the end of form one. At that point it felt my greatest accomplishment in life because I was the only one who had not hugged a boy and the boy I hugged was good looking and dressed really well (Now, looking back at my life I definitely have a type😁) Anyway my point is It is okay to be the only one among your friends who hasn’t done sex yet. It is okay if they think you are weird. First tell them, that we all do things at a different. The timelines differ. Just like success there are those who get it at 12, at 18 at 20 at 23 at 25 at 30. At 35. At 45. At 67…etc Take your time. There is no one in this world that has fingerprints like yours. So it is upon you to write your book your way. Don’t do things for the sake of doing them. Do then your own way, so that even if you make mistakes you can own them knowing it was your choices and you learn from them instead of being bitter that you got misled.
3. You need protection
If you decide it is a must you have sex, go ahead but please use protection. There are sexually transmitted diseases and infections that you can contract and you won’t be exempted for being a virgin. You can impregnate somebody’s girl, it doesn’t change coz you are a virgin. I got your letter two days before valentine’s, and from your letter you clearly weren’t ready so I doubt if you had protection in mind. There is aftermath off having sex, there is HIV , there is herpes among other diseases that you can contract if you don’t use Protection. Think through before jumping to bed with someone. Do you have protection? The answer is probably no. Go get one first.
4.You Can only have your first time once
I mean, if God grants you long life, you are going to have sex so many times with the one you marry. Or if you don’t subscribe to that school of thought then you will with your future partners, spouses and basically with anyone you will come in consensus with. But you can only have your first time once. Most of the young people I know didn’t have much knowledge when they were indulging in first time sex, because they were below 15 years and they didn’t even know what they were getting themselves into. But as for you and few lucky others, you are lucky enough to make that choice yourself. A certain close friend told me that before I sleep with someone, I be sure that even if things don’t go well between us, I would still be proud to have chosen that same person. Because my first time can only be once. Your first time can only be once too, it may influence greatly how you view love and relationships. It may as well not. But whatever the case, think carefully where you want it to be at. With who? Do you want it to be during the day, at night, near the oceans, how do you want? Because I personally know a girl whose first time should be somewhere in Maldives and she is not settling for less.
5.Know your partner
The fact that you send me the mail on Tuesday and wanted us to sleep together on Thursday leaves me wondering whether we were supposed to know more about each other or not. What was your idea? We just meet, remove clothes and get done then we leave.? I know we live in a very confused generation, where anyone can sleep with anyone and not even remember their first name. I know that is what you have probably picked in movies but at 17 honestly, I’d advise you to take things slow. It is your first time in the world of relationships and you still have that air of innocence . You still have the ability to fall in mind blowing love where you see stars and you can’t eat if the other person is not speaking to you. Please don’t ruin that. Take your time, approach a girl, buy her flowers and chocolates, go for movies, hold hands, kiss even if you get it wrong. Dance, hold hands, make late night calls. Watch the stars and all those kind of stuff and if you are lucky you can marry her. Let it be a beautiful process. Love is meant to be beautiful, don’t be lied to by people. Jay Shetty says it’s not love which hurts people, but people who don’t know how to love do. Don’t take the short cut, after all, how about you having a first love as opposed to a first sex partner?