It is 11 P. M and I am sitting in my place. A friend by the Allan Keere challenged me today to keep on updating my blog. I have not been writing here for a while. I had taken a break…
You were the person I was thinking about, so what’s better than writing to you ? I know it is crazy given I don’t even have an idea which year I will have you or who will be your father 😀
But since I was eight I have been planning for you. I cannot wait for you to arrive. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms and give you kisses on the forehead and hold your tiny little fingers . I cannot wait to love you. And watch you grow and become my best Friend and tell you stories .
Such as when I was 20, I loved very few things. I loved high heels- and as a result I had so many. I loved teddy bears. I still kept them on my bed. I loved white. And pink. And red. I loved flowers. I loved chocolates. I was the typical kind of a girl😊 I also loved Fairy tales and romance books, since I read my first novel in a local library in class four.
But at my age there are things I did that I wish you could do things differently. Things that I would want you to do differently…
I spend my teenage-hood fantasizing about the future. I knew I was born to be great. It was a feeling that I carried around since I was about 8. And as a result, I guess I missed to live a normal life. Before I made any decision I would ask myself how it could affect my image in future, and I ended up not doing almost what everybody young person does. I hope you live the present, I hope you don’t become too obsessed with the future because it will deny you the chance of living. You will be too mature for your age.
I did not take any alcohol because I didn’t nor want my photos lying drunk or in clubs surface years later. I did not smoke because It’s something I wouldn’t want you to do. I became self righteous and a little angel . I hope if you don’t drink alcohol or smoke it will be because it is not the right thing to do.
My ideal weekend was in my room, Listening to music or writing poetry and books. I spend most of the time alone, thinking of my big dreams and how to achieve them. I walked sometimes. And loved watching the stars. I was a loner I guess. I was more comfortable in my own company than with someone. And as a result I could narrate many poems, starting with still I rise by Maya Angelou. I knew word by word the lyrics of all my favorite songs.
I think this is where I made the most interesting decisions. I had a taste of the fancy ones. They said handsome men were trouble, but those are the ones I liked. My type Was The most handsome man in the room😀 I was picky. I sometimes imagined how you would look If she looked as the father. And that made me overlook many 😀 I also didn’t go for casual dates because I felt my time was too precious to spend in front of a man that I didn’t like for food. As a result, I cancelled many of them too many times and they labelled me as a snob. I barely responded to texts or calls,nor did I respond to the I love you sentiments. I felt I should save some words for special someone, I felt outdated sometimes, given how popular hook up relationships were at my time. I don’t know how it will be at your time. But it is my hopes that you will handle it better as I would have taught you to go against the grains.
I was choosy… I met few good people. People I should have given a chance but I didn’t because I had a picture of how my life should be. I wanted to date when I am almost marrying, and as a result I let go of one or two serious people because I felt I wanted to wait a little longer. They say life is short, but perhaps I felt I had all the time.
I was cautious with almost every photo I took with someone. Maybe because when I was in first year my then best friend convinced me we take a photo, only for me to hear years later, he would use the same photo to say he had won me. I don’t know, if a photo of two people sitting together show they have done something , but that hurt.
Well, I ran away from this one. But At one time I let my guard down and became friends with a man whose presence made me breath so first as if gasping for air. But I wouldn’t let him know. I thought about him so many times, and wanted him close so bad at times. But I made sure I reminded him he was just a friend and whenever we would spend time I would end up wishing he could call and text more. I would get annoyed at small things because I wanted him to notice what I felt and say or do more 😀 I didn’t want to look as if I was chasing him, and my pride wouldn’t let me confess what I felt 😀 It is one of he biggest memories I will have, about being 20.
I was quite ambitious and courageous. I tried many things that many people wouldn’t. I won many times, I was accustomed to winning and when I failed I would spend a week indoor crying and counteract by winning more. I wrote all my goals down, and strived to achieve one by one. At 20, I had done much. I had written a poetry book by 14 and another book by the age of 17. Though sometimes I beat myself feeling I should do more more.
I had amazing friends. Not so many but I had close ones. I was choosy with my friends, so I had very few. I knew that less was more. And my friends believed in me. And I did not hesitate to drop a friend once I felt we shared different goals , in a way that would be unhealthy.
I really wanted many things . At some point I felt confused. I wanted to be a TV Host and sometimes a singer. I wanted to publish my books. I wanted to own a children home. And eventually, I wanted to run for an office someday. Sometimes I wondered whether my ambitions were too big for a tiny girl .
I am 20, and still have a long way to go. I still have lots of lessons to learn before you come. But I hope to see you someday. .
And I hope at 20 you will do better.
I hope you will be free spirited and take a step one at a time. I hope you laugh more. I hope you don’t shed much tears. I hope you embrace every flaw of your life just like you embrace your strengths. I hope you never spend many nights wondering whether you are good enough. I hope you be courageous enough to publish your work if you will be a creative like me. I hope you become a Star .
And I hope with men you do better than I did. I hope you go for dinner dates and dance the nights away. I hope you listen to loud music in vehicle as you go for long drives. I hope on weekends you reunite with friend and do trips to various parts of the country. I hope you live, instead of planning how to live. I hope you date a good person instead of keeping them waiting for years . I hope you try the things I was afraid of and learn from them. I hope you tell people you miss them and love them. I hope you get a boyfriend and bring him home to me and I take you two out for dinner . I hope when you fall in love, you own it up instead of running away. I hope you be courageous. I hope you do better than I did.
Your Future Mum